Daily babbles: 9/18

Sometimes I think if I don’t write I’m going to explode. Or implode.

I’ve felt like that for a while.

I don’t have time to write anything, let alone profoundly string together carefully-edited words with the intention of reaching and moving many people.

So I haven’t written.

But I just….times are hard. Everything is hard. And when I write I feel the black tar crap stuck inside of me shaking loose and I can breathe a bit easier.

I need to breathe.

So I thought maybe I’d just write a few thoughts. Nothing big, nothing profound. Just a few daily thoughts in my babbling way, and see where it takes me.

Read it, or don’t. It doesn’t matter.

Today:

• I stepped outside at 6:16pm because I hadn’t had a single second to myself where I could just breathe and not be thinking working helping mothering cleaning. I could’ve stayed outside forever.
• The thought of the cold weather coming makes me want to cry. This fall brings up so many traumatic memories of being sick and Maggie’s birth. Not to mention the lack of light and I hate hate hate being cold because it reminds me of years when I was always cold and couldn’t warm up. And don’t get me started on the darkness.
• I’m so sick of people using gratitude to dismiss others’ feelings. People can be exhausted at work or with parenting and still love work or parenting. That’s so dumb to say otherwise.
• I never really thought that gender roles were so ingrained in people but they actually are.
• The only way I could be exercising is to sacrifice sleep which I’m already depleted of. I need more time.

What are some of the thoughts/experiences from your day?