Month

September 2020

Daily Babbles: 9/20

Thoughts that floated through my brain today:

  • I no longer habitually put people on a pedestal; but sometimes I’ll get butterflies in my stomach before I meet with someone, or read and re-read an email I’m about to send to someone, and I realize it’s happening without me even realizing it.
  • There is so much I learned in high school or college classes that I don’t know anymore and that’s so sad.
  • I look at the old newborn diaper I keep as a reminder and can’t even believe that at the scary beginning of Maggie’s life, it was too big on her.
  • One of my secret dreams that I don’t think I’ll ever do but dream of doing, is publishing a memoir or anthology of little posts or essays.
  • I miss moments of newborn snuggles but I don’t miss the fact that newborn snuggles were in lieu of showering, eating, exercising, changing clothes, brushing teeth, sleeping.
  • I have a (short) post in the works about the mental load that mothers carry.
  • I have visual-spatial synesthesia which has always been part of me but also I think is why I am so sensitive to the passing of time, growing up, aging, seasons changing, etc., because rather than solely experiencing it, I can SEE it.

Daily babbles: 9/18

Sometimes I think if I don’t write I’m going to explode. Or implode.

I’ve felt like that for a while.

I don’t have time to write anything, let alone profoundly string together carefully-edited words with the intention of reaching and moving many people.

So I haven’t written.

But I just….times are hard. Everything is hard. And when I write I feel the black tar crap stuck inside of me shaking loose and I can breathe a bit easier.

I need to breathe.

So I thought maybe I’d just write a few thoughts. Nothing big, nothing profound. Just a few daily thoughts in my babbling way, and see where it takes me.

Read it, or don’t. It doesn’t matter.

Today:

  • I stepped outside at 6:16pm because I hadn’t had a single second to myself where I could just breathe and not be thinking working helping mothering cleaning. I could’ve stayed outside forever.
  • The thought of the cold weather coming makes me want to cry. This fall brings up so many traumatic memories of being sick and Maggie’s birth. Not to mention the lack of light and I hate hate hate being cold because it reminds me of years when I was always cold and couldn’t warm up. And don’t get me started on the darkness.
  • I’m so sick of people using gratitude to dismiss others’ feelings. People can be exhausted at work or with parenting and still love work or parenting. That’s so dumb to say otherwise.
  • I never really thought that gender roles were so ingrained in people but they actually are.
  • The only way I could be exercising is to sacrifice sleep which I’m already depleted of. I need more time.

What are some of the thoughts/experiences from your day?