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writing

The Great Big Reveal

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Okay. This is it. The Really Big Post that I’ve been dreaming/stressing/thinking about for almost 3 years now. 

The funny part is that it’s probably not that Big for anyone else except for me. So many people blog, I’m hardly unique here. (Can you tell that I’m trying to reassure myself?)

Anyway. Last weekend I very nervously told my fiance about this blog. He was excited, he’s been encouraging me to blog for years (not knowing that I was actually doing it), and I told him how nervous I was that he wouldn’t like it, that nobody would like it, etc. He very realistically, and gently, reminded me that I’m not a writer. Which was actually really comforting – if people don’t like what I write, that’s okay, because my job in life is not to write, it’s not to use correct grammar or perfectly articulate thoughts that people want to hear. I’m not a journalist, so the standards I set for myself can be fairly low. He asked if he could read it, and I said yes, and being the wonderfully patient person he is, he didn’t say another word about it for 24 hours. (I am much less patient than that, and if roles were reversed, I probably would’ve bugged him immediately until he gave me the link) A day later I emailed him the link to the blog, and….that was that. I felt like that was the first Big thing I had to do. 

And now? It’s time to share it more. Little by little.

Here’s what I’ve decided (honestly, despite my fears that nobody will like it, these are my Truths that I really do believe, in my core):

  • I will be okay if people don’t like what I write. When it comes down to it, I write for me, and I write for people who want to read what I write. If someone doesn’t want to read it, then….they shouldn’t read it. And that’s fine.
  • I will be okay if I don’t stick to my dream of writing all the time and constantly giving people new posts to read. I don’t want to this become a chore or something I dread. If people like what I’m reading, they’ll stick around, whenever it is that I happen to share something.
  • I will be okay if people disagree. I have opinions, and because of that, I have two choices. I can hide what I think and how I feel, thereby “playing it safe,” and also thereby trapping my essence inside of myself – or, I can say how I think and how I feel, set my thoughts free, and let them float to wherever they may land.

Other things I’ve decided: I’m not ready to fully introduce myself yet. Soon. And, I’m still a little too scared to post this on Facebook for every single person I’m friends with to see. I want to keep building it up small…so, next step is going to be posting the link on Twitter, which seems much less scary to me. Then an email to some friends and family. And then maybe Facebook. Or maybe not.

Okay. Here we go.

Publish Post.

On my mind right now

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-Am I useless? Am I accomplishing anything with my life? What purpose do I serve?

-How was there another school shooting? My heart hurts so much.

-Thoughts and emotions are flying around my soul and I can’t close off to them. It’s been a long stretch of increased permeability and it hurts.

-Am I an awful fiance/daughter/sister/friend? Because I feel like it.

-Am I responsible for everyone? Can everything be traced back to me? Do I hold the world’s suffering in my hands?

Random musings

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So, here we go, time for a test.

I have a zillion thoughts in my brain, of course, but nothing succinct or brilliant enough to write. So, of course, I’ve been avoiding blogging for a few days. Because, if I don’t blog perfectly, I shouldn’t do it all, right?

Oy. Gotta get away from that. So, let’s try. Just writing. Stream of  consciousness…whatever it may be.

Okay. On my mind right now:

How damn good I felt after yoga tonight — I love this class on Tuesday afternoons, I love the teacher, I love how she gets me completely, 100% In The Zone. I love how the music mixes with my breathing and my movements and I am just filled with that amazing intensity feeling. And, I love how strong I’m becoming. Not in an obsessive way, but in a factual, I’m becoming strong and flexible way. Not only am I doing poses that I could never do before, but I have almost erased the thought that, “I can’t do that pose.” It’s hard to explain, but I just feel like my body is amazing when I’m in this  class. And I don’t ever have a moment of doubt. Sure, I don’t always do everything perfectly, and I fall and grunt and shake during inversions and balances, but I never don’t try. And I rarely don’t get the pose. It’s almost like, once I stopped remotely entertaining the thought that I couldn’t do it, I could do it. Does that make sense? I just have that full belief in my body and my strength, that I can balance on one arm or one leg or crisscross things or move through flows until I’m dripping sweat, and of course I can do it all. My body is the shit and I can do it. And on that note, that’s why I learned a new headstand tonight, and I simply watched Katie show us how to do it, asked her to watch and help me, and then….I did it. Because I believed. Anyway. It’s awesome.

Hmmm. Maybe I could write, after all. It’s disjointed, and maybe not that important, but…it’s my blog. So I can do whatever I want with it, right? And you can choose to read it, or not read it, or like it, or hate it, and it doesn’t matter. Right?

On habits and resolutions

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When I read Gretchen Rubin’s book,  The Happiness Project, it was over a year ago and I was entranced. I had so often thought of things I wanted to do (uhh, like, blog) but never did. Maybe because I wasn’t super motivated, but more likely because I didn’t hold myself accountable, and got stuck under, “I’ll do it soon.”

And for a while I kept it in the back of my mind, kept a “think of resolutions” note in my to do lists, but nothing came of it. Then, a few months ago I started listing resolutions that I would have, if I ever did this. I thought of realistic, specific, attainable, important to me ones. I phrased them like Gretchen would. And I thought about them, and that helped.

Then I brought in technology. I found a habit tracker app. Something about that motivation, about getting the reminder pop ups and being asked “did you do this yesterday?” worked.

My current three resolutions are:
1. Clean one thing. (counted as anything other than the dishes and making the bed. I often get overwhelmed with cleaning our apartment, but also get noticeably anxious when the apartment is a mess. And I’ve found that in allowing myself to just clean one thing, I usually actually end up doing more than one.)

  1. Move your body. (which has coincided with me returning to yoga, which I am so glad about. Power yoga with a wonderful teacher is incredible for my body, the amount I sweat is amazing, the strength I’m gaining is wonderful, and the mood change in me is good for my soul. But, this counts as hiking, yoga, gym, a walk. My mind and emotional state is so much calmer when I’ve moved my body. Also, check out the book Spark.)

  2. Keep in touch. (this is the hardest one. I am an introvert by nature, which means that even though I feel perfectly okay with going longer periods of time without checking in with friends, I do, very much realize, that my friends don’t feel the same way — and their extroverted selves aren’t satisfied with that. So, it’s a give-and-take. Plus, I realize that I have gotten very black-and-white about this — like, either I had to go out every night and have long phone conversations each day, or nothing. But I’m giving myself a middle ground. So, Keep in Touch means that I send a text, an email, g-chat, see a friend, make plans, or have a phone conversation with a friend. I give myself permission to not do this every day, but the knowledge that it’s one of my resolutions keeps me doing it more than I might otherwise. And it’s meeting loved ones halfway. Which they deserve, and so do I.)

And…it’s going well so far. And I don’t feel internal pressure to do it like Gretchen did, where I change my resolutions each month or devote my entire month to them. Just having them in the back of my mind keeps me cognizant that they’re there — and let’s be honest, meeting them feels really, really good. Because ultimately, they’re all about self-care, and that’s the whole point, right?

Writing about writing

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I spend so much time worrying about blogging, worrying that nobody would read it, worrying that I wouldn’t be a good blogger. But now, a year, two years later, I still am not regularly blogging and I still wish I was. So really, I’m just scared and I need to stop being scared and just write, even if nobody reads it, even if it’s just for me. Because time is passing and there is no magical moment when I’ll be ready.

Here are things I want to write about.

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In no particular order:

  • My intuition and sensitivity
  • Being a speech-language pathologist
  • Working with kids with autism
  • Anxiety
  • Quantum physics and energy healing
  • Books I’m reading
  • Relationships
  • Tragedies in the world

Where on earth do I start?

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I want to blog but when I sit down to blog, the words stop. In fact, I spend so much time thinking about how I’m unable to blog, that in that wasted time, I could’ve written five posts.

I have things I want to say, but I don’t know how to get them out.

I have topics that I’m interested in, but I’m afraid that nobody will care.

I want to blog but I’m afraid that I only have one shot — that if I don’t have a wonderful, fantastic blog, filled with insightful posts, then going public with it is useless because everyone will be like, “Why does ___ even bother blogging, it’s all rambles that she shouldn’t publicize.”

So. At the core, maybe it’s fear. Like always.

How do I get over it? I know, I know, just do it. But is it that easy? Do I have to be a good, perfect blogger?