­

Category

Uncategorized

Big insight.

Posted by — No Comments

A hugely important realization that I was guided towards is:

When I dread going out, when I don’t want to “be social,” when the thought of being out with friends seems more than I can bear, there is a reason for it. And the reason is: because I am not showing up in my true self. When I show up with my Shadow, with the happy-go-lucky “Hi! Everything is great! How are you?!” I am not being the real me. And that’s exhausting. And quite honestly, I would imagine, unpleasant. I think I’ve done this my entire life, so I don’t even realize when I’m not being the real me.

So I am practicing showing up in my true self, and leaving my Shadow at home. And if that means saying, “I’m doing well — a little down today, not sure why,” that’s okay. I don’t have to have a reason for feeling sad. I don’t have to understand why I’m sad. I don’t have to justify it. To the people who get me, really truly love and get me, it shouldn’t matter.

I’m working on it.

A quote.

Posted by — No Comments

“The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness.” ~ Abraham Maslow

Never met anyone who does this….

Posted by — No Comments

I can smell emotions in weather. I go outside each day and the air either smells calm, happy, scary, etc.

Yes, I know this is weird. No, I don’t know why it is.

Maybe it’s a part of my extreme sensitivity and porous-ness. I know that my mom and brother all have some sort of synasthesia/mixing of senses – – seeing colors for days, 3D visual representations of dates and calendars in our brains, etc.

But then, there’s this for me. I usually don’t say a word, but sometimes it slips out: “Do you smell that air, it smells SO calm!” and then…cue the weird look, and the “Um…I didn’t know air smelled like emotions.”

 

The end.

Posted by — No Comments

It was a wonderful summer. The kids had a great time, the staff enjoyed themselves, and I loved (almost) every moment. There is something so unique to camp. Working outside, breathing in fresh air for 8 hours a day. Seeing the kids swim and boat and do arts and crafts but also teaching them interpersonal, social thinking skills to make changes and last a lifetime. For a seven week program, we do some pretty great work with them. Today was our last day. I had been dreading this for about two weeks now. The anticipation is what is so hard for me — knowing each moment is the “last” of something. Despite the heartwrenching tears I cried after the last car pulled away, I’m glad it’s finally done so I don’t have to anticipate goodbye anymore.

If it’s this hard for me, and I am (relatively) neurotypical, I cannot even begin to imagine what this is like for our campers. Their sensitivities, fears, rigidity that come with their autism and their souls are magnified during the last two weeks. Meltdowns are frequent, behaviors regress. I can’t imagine what it’s like. For seven weeks, they spent their days safe, loved, nurtured, helped, guided, and most importantly, around adults who cared and around kids who were like them. It’s a safety-zone for them. A safe haven. And then they realize: not only is camp over, but SCHOOL is starting. For many of them, school is a place where they’re bullied. Left out. Anxious and depressed. Fall behind. Left alone.

I pick up on all of their energies, their fears and worries and dreads. I’ve felt it all the past two weeks — I am porous and permeable like they are, and I have felt it. And oh, it hurts.

Sleep

Posted by — No Comments

It never fails to amaze me how sensitive I am to lack of sleep. When I say that I need at least 6 or 7 (ideally 8+) hours a night, I don’t just mean because I’m tired the next day otherwise. I mean because otherwise, my head goes crazy. Without sleep and rest to give my brain a break, it goes into overdrive. The thoughts, the fears, they all magnify. I lose the ability to shut off, or at least decrease somewhat, the absorption of other people’s sorrows and emotions. I am so permeable on a daily basis, but without sleep, there’s no stopping it — every feeling, every emotion, every thought that every person is thinking goes right through me.

I can’t write.

Posted by — No Comments

I want to write, but I am afraid.

I’m not sure what of.

During the day, blog posts write themselves in my head. Words come to me. Anticipation, excitement of coming home from work and sitting down and writing, for hours.

But then I get home. And I avoid writing. I can’t think of anything to say. I can’t think of anything that anyone would care to read.

So I do nothing.

Introvert.

Posted by — No Comments

I am an introvert. This I know, and I don’t hide from it anymore. Mostly because I now understand what it is. It has nothing to do with not liking people, being a recluse, hiding from social scenes. It simply has to do with where one is most comfortable — by themselves or with others. Now, I LOVE being with others. I love being with my boyfriend, close friends, family, etc. I fall somewhat in the middle, where I can go out and be social, and do, quite frequently. But then things happen that make me realize how I differ from some of my friends.

Such as, late at night friends are a few miles away and want me to go out. To them, me saying no is selfish, lazy, etc. Not in an unkind way, they accept me for who I am (although I do wonder, for how long). But more in a they-don’t-understand way. They are the ones who hate being by themselves, hate down time, hate having nothing to do. And I am the opposite. I don’t like changes in schedules or spontaneity. I’m getting better at it, much better. And I don’t always say “no” to an invitation like this. But on the one day I want to say no, I get stuck in my thoughts. Am I being lazy? Am I defaulting to a place of comfort? Well, yes, but is that always a bad thing? Is it playing it too safe to not go out at 9:30pm by myself and go to a bar a few miles away? Or, is it reasonable to not want to get dressed up nicely and worry about how to get there and my fears of the dark and strangers and all of that? Should I nurture my own needs and wants? Or do I put my friends first and push myself out of the comfort zone?

That’s what I struggle with — I know sometimes I have to push myself. And I do, frequently. But that’s why when I don’t, I wonder if I should be. I realize there’s no right or wrong answer. I realize that I differ from people in this way and that not everyone will get it. I believe that if people leave or abandon me because of it, then a friendship wasn’t meant to be. I get that. And yet, I still feel guilty. Still feel bad. Still feel the need to prove myself, to profusely apologize, to make them understand that it’s not that I don’t want to see them, not that I don’t want to do the right thing, it’s that I can’t bring myself to, as awful as that sounds.

Are any of you introverts? Does this resonate with you at all? What would you do? What should I do? How do I explain it?